Family mediation, frequently asked
The questions people actually ask before their first session, answered plainly.
About the process
What does a mediator actually do?
A mediator is a neutral third person who helps the two of you have a productive conversation and reach your own decisions. They do not take sides, do not decide anything, and do not represent either of you.
Do we have to be in the same room?
No. Many mediators offer shuttle mediation, where you sit in separate rooms and the mediator moves between you, and most now offer online sessions with private breakout rooms.
How many sessions will we need?
It varies widely. Some couples finish in two or three sessions; others need six or more. What shortens it most is arriving with complete financial information.
Can either of us stop?
Yes. Mediation is voluntary. Either of you can end it at any point, and so can the mediator if they conclude it is not working or not appropriate.
Is mediation confidential?
Generally yes, though the exact protection depends on your state and on the agreement you sign at the start. Ask your mediator to explain precisely what is and is not covered before you begin.
About the outcome
Is what we agree legally binding?
Not by itself. Mediation usually produces a written summary of your decisions. It becomes binding when it is turned into a signed agreement or approved by the court as an order.
Do we still each need an attorney?
A mediator cannot advise either of you individually. Most people have their own attorney review the agreement before signing, which is far less expensive than full representation.
What if we agree on some things but not others?
That is common and still useful. You can settle what you can and ask a court to decide the rest, which is usually quicker and cheaper than litigating everything.
Can a mediator file our divorce for us?
No. Only a court can grant a divorce. Mediation produces the agreement; the paperwork is then filed with the court, usually with an attorney’s help.
Can we change the agreement later?
Arrangements for children and support can normally be modified if circumstances change substantially. Property division is generally final once ordered. See changing an existing order.
About cost and practicalities
How much does mediation cost?
It depends on the mediator’s rate, how they charge and how much there is to resolve. Mediation is usually cheaper than two attorneys litigating. See what mediation costs.
Who pays for it?
That is for you to agree. Many couples split the fee equally, some split it in proportion to income, and occasionally one person pays.
What should we bring to the first session?
As much financial information as you can gather, and some thought about what you actually need rather than what you want to win. See preparing for mediation.
Do we have to have finished the relationship to mediate?
No. Some couples mediate a postnuptial agreement or a period of separation while deciding what to do next.
When mediation may not be right
What if there has been abuse in the relationship?
Mediation may not be safe or fair where there is a history of abuse, coercion or intimidation. A responsible mediator will screen for this. If you have concerns, speak to a domestic violence advocate or an attorney before agreeing to mediate.
What if I think assets are being hidden?
Mediation cannot compel disclosure. Where someone is concealing assets, the formal discovery process in litigation may be the only realistic route.
What if my former partner will not participate?
Mediation requires both people. If one will not engage, the court process exists for exactly that situation.
These answers describe how family mediation generally works in the United States. Family law is set state by state, and procedures vary by state and often by county. Nothing here is legal advice about your situation.
Still working out whether it fits?
The comparison with court sets out the trade-offs honestly, including when litigation is the better route.