Gather the paperwork

Mediation stalls when nobody can answer basic financial questions. Before you start, pull together as much of this as you can. Your mediator will usually send a checklist of their own, and courts often require a formal financial disclosure anyway, so none of this is wasted effort.

• Recent pay statements and last two or three years of tax returns
• Statements for checking, savings and any joint accounts
• Retirement account statements: 401(k), 403(b), IRA, and any pension information
• Mortgage statements, property tax bills and any recent valuation of your home
• Vehicle titles and loan balances
• Credit card balances, student loans and any other debt, joint or individual
• Life insurance and health insurance details, including what the children are covered under
• Documents for any business interest, if either of you owns one

Separate what you want from what you need

This is the single most useful piece of preparation. Write down the outcomes that genuinely matter to you and why. Not positions, but needs. “I keep the house” is a position. “I need the children to stay at their current school” is a need, and there may be several ways to meet it.

Positions collide. Needs can often be met more than one way, which is what makes agreement possible. A good mediator will spend a lot of the first session getting underneath the positions to find the needs, and you will get there faster if you have already done some of that thinking.

Work out your numbers

Draft a realistic monthly budget for life after separation: housing, utilities, food, transport, childcare, insurance, debt payments. Two households cost more to run than one, and the sooner both of you see that in figures, the more grounded the negotiation becomes.

Be ready for how it feels

Mediation is a practical process wrapped around a painful subject. It is normal to find the first session harder than expected, to feel angry at something said in passing, or to be unable to think clearly for a moment. Mediators expect this. You can ask for a break, and either of you can ask to pause and continue another day.

It also helps to have support outside the room, whether that is a therapist, a trusted friend, or a family member who will listen without telling you what to do.

Practical points for the day

• Allow more time than the session itself, so you are not rushing away.
• Bring a notebook. You will not remember everything, and there is usually homework.
• If you are meeting online, test your camera, microphone and connection beforehand, and find a private space where you will not be overheard.
• Agree in advance who is telling the children what, if anything, so they do not hear something unplanned.